


Free

by shirabunny



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, I only swim free but make it angst and semishira, M/M, Rated T for swearing, SemiShira - Freeform, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28231944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirabunny/pseuds/shirabunny
Summary: "I want you, Eita. I badly want you and I love you just as bad. But I'm not the one you are looking for, nor will I ever be the one. I'm sorry, Semi-san. I'm giving you your freedom now. From me, who yearns the freedom that I found in you. To you, who found the liberty in me."And now is as good a time as any to say that Shirabu Kenjirou is beautiful. In the dark, as he walked past Semi, he smelled of sunshine and freshly picked cinnamon gardenia. And on that thin-mooned night, he could see a little more of his silhouette, with seeming feathers falling swiftly in his every step, the soft color of chestnut as his eyes, with the touch of the silver sterling on its ends.
Relationships: Semi Eita/Shirabu Kenjirou
Kudos: 21





	Free

Semi Eita is a man who craves freedom. He does whatever his heart desires and cut ties with the ones holding him back. Restrictions and limitations are most certainly not his cups of tea. This is exactly why the man who claims his heart, in the name of Shirabu Kenjirou, tries his very best to continue to let him be free.

The reason why Semi is very fond of freedom is nothing in particular, it wasn't like he was deprived of it before or anything. He is simply a creative human being with a strong belief that one should be able to do whatever it is they want to. The very reason why he and Shirabu have gotten together in the first place.

The younger may have a sharp tongue, in fact maybe a little bit too sharp for his own good, but Semi loves the way the copper-haired expresses his thoughts freely with or without sugar coating. It wasn't like he does it on purpose after all, well, maybe sometimes, but it was simply on the younger's nature to have a say on everything. He loves the way the younger bites back to his statements (not that he would ever admit that out loud). 

After he realized (more like admitted) that he had indeed fallen for the younger it took no more than 3 seconds to confess. (Simply because he and Shirabu were having a heated discussion on how Shirabu's toss is 2 cm higher than it should be when he randomly blurted out "you're cute" and the rest was history).

Having a boyfriend and being free may be antipodean but it wasn't like Semi wants to be, as free, as to love more than one. He wants someone to be free with him together and someone who will let him be, more so trust him on doing the things he wants to.

Shirabu Kenjiro only belongs to the latter. Maybe.

***

Shirabu may be a hot-headed person but he is also an understanding one. Before accepting Semi's confession, he swore to himself that he would never hold him back and understand his ongoing personality and free nature. 

He loves it after all. He loves the fire that lights up at Semi whenever he wants to try something new and the glow when he falls in love with it. Semi would give him the same glow when they bicker, odd but he does.

Shirabu discovered different sides of Semi after spending more time with the older. Some sides, he had already expected. Others are completely new to him. And for the rest, well, he wishes he never learned about.

Shirabu learned about Semi's passion for music two weeks after they had started dating. He already did know that he plays, as the older would always talk about it with the rest of the third years. They weren't very subtle so he would unintentionally hear them (no, he was totally not eavesdropping). What he did not know was that the older is overly passionate about it. 

He once caught a glimpse of the latter's ashen blonde hair, sitting under the willow tree with a guitar in his arms. He watched from afar, the gentle plucking of the strings, doing of Semi's long and slender fingers enchanted by every little movement.

He then learned that Semi is part of a band that performs in a nearby resto-bar. Semi wanted to be part of the school band but was unable to, granted the fact that he has his hands full of volleyball already and practices would overlap. Even so, he wanted to perform and do music, so he snuck up one night to ask a band if they would allow him to join, which they did, thereupon the reason why Semi would always sneak up every Friday night to perform. 

When Semi told him about this Shirabu wanted to scold him, other than what he was doing is against the rule, he was also putting his life in danger. What if he got caught up in an accident one night? No one will be able to help him. Shirabu will not be able to help him. 

But all Shirabu did was tell him to be careful and not to partake in anything dangerous, plus, to call him if anything happens. He wouldn't want to take away Semi's passion. He wants him to continue to live free and do whatever it is he desires. (So every Friday night Shirabu doesn't sleep, not until it was passed 2 am and he receives no call of help from Semi.)

He discovered later on that Semi also composes lyrics. He would write about the wonders and the ones he loves. And not once did he write a song dedicated to Shirabu. Not that it matters.

Shirabu is not one to skip classes and flunk exams. He got accepted without any sports recommendation and is academically gifted, in addition to him being hardworking. Studying is part of his daily routine, whether he has something due or just advance reading. Semi, on the other hand, is the opposite of him.

Semi would try to drag him out of his dorm room telling him to live a little and to stop sticking his nose into books in his free time. Because unlike him, Semi is the carefree type of student; cramming the day before exams and the only goal is to at least pass the subject. Shirabu wanted to be that type but he can't, not when his dream requires being academically capable. 

He would drag Semi to study with him, sometimes even helping out when he knows their lesson. The older would listen to him and focus but not once did he miss telling Shirabu that no one will die if he fails an exam or two and to stop worrying and overthinking. Semi means well but that bothered Shirabu. 

Still, he didn't tell him off. It was Semi's right to voice his thoughts. He wants him to free his thoughts, the way Semi lets him free his.

Shirabu is not the clingy type. Albeit he wishes he was one to cuddle randomly and get jealous, he doesn't want to wrap Semi around his fingers. 

Semi is not one to cling himself either, but there are times where he would embrace him tight. Times where Shirabu would just melt, the times where Semi lets himself be vulnerable. 

There was one time though, that Semi wondered why they were different from other couples, why they weren't as showy and affectionate. If that was because both of them were not a fan of PDA and naturally not clingy or something else. Shirabu said yes that could be it and added that maybe it is also because of the society, homophobic people and the likes. 

The answer somehow ignited a fire on Semi. The fire was different from others. He was fuming. That was their first "official" fight. 

Semi started to question if he was embarrassed by their relationship. Why he would even care about what other people would think, and rambled about the heteronormative society and how everyone should be free to love who they want to. And that it should be normal to be that free.

Shirabu let him. He let him talk until the fire died down. He did not mean it the way Semi interpreted but he didn't explain himself. He loved it after all, he had always loved the way Semi expresses his thoughts. When he would soar without a single care in the world, (but it was also because explaining seemed like a tiring thing to do.) And he wanted to know something, something that might break him more than his already broken self.

***

Dawn breaks and still Semi continued to soar. He kept on flying that instead of him and Shirabu flying together, Shirabu became the wind beneath his wings.

"Hey Shirabu, are you okay? You've been out of it these past few days. Are you stressing yourself out because of exams again? Because I swear no one would die if you-"

"Shut up!"

Shirabu didn't mean to yell at Semi but he was having a rough day. It is not really an excuse to blow off like that but he couldn't care less. Their midterms are right around the corner and he has not been able to open a single book. Their training regimen has become harder than ever that he always passes out in his free time. Listening to Semi's lecture is the last thing he wanted to be at.

Semi looked surprised. Shirabu shouting at him and telling him to shut up is nothing new, except it was now because they bear nothing before. Weirdly enough, his expression shifted from being hurt to somewhat happy. Shirabu was confused but he did not let himself be fazed.

"That's the first time you've talked back in weeks. I've never been happier to be told shut up, my entire life."

Semi looked genuinely happy. And for the very first time, he hated seeing Semi happy. 

Taking a notice that the younger's expression did not change, Semi stopped laughing and started at Shirabu intently. 

He thought, "what could it possibly be that he has done to the younger to make him that exasperated". He barely even did anything, as the younger has been rather distant from him. He would initiate some "fight" expecting some snarky remark but he got nothing. 

Oh.

Maybe that was it. Maybe he was being importunate and instead of actually talking to him nicely, he decided that annoying him would be better. A very wise decision of him.

Except, it wasn't.

Semi took a deep breath and started talking to Shirabu, solemnly this time.

"What's wrong, Kenjirou? Talk to me."

"No. It's nothing. I'm just really stressed out. Sorry for shouting at you like that. I shouldn't have done that, that was unreasonable of me."

"Your nothing is something to me, Bu. You haven't been yourself lately. Did I do something? Or is it something personal? You could always talk to me you know. I won't judge. If it isn't, then could it be about the upcoming exams? I swear you-"

"Stop. I told you it's nothing. Don't push it. Just give me time."

Their voice gradually rising as the atmosphere grew heavier. Nevertheless, no one backed down.

"That's definitely not nothing and you are going to talk to me about it. I've given you enough time. Do you not trust me with your problems, Kenjirou? What is it? Tell me because I'm no Satori and I would not be able to guess what the fuck is your fucking problem."

"And if I tell you you're right? That all what you said was right? That I've been stressing over exams because I haven't reviewed a single thing and no I can not afford to fail even one exam because my dream does not require that and I'm no genius so I need to actually work hard to gain something."

"That I'm physically exhausted because I've only been sleeping for 2 hours per day and I've been running on caffeine. My works are piling up and I made no progress on any of them. I don't even have time for a mental breakdown."

His eyes met Semi's dark chocolate ones before continuing.

"And you. If I told you that out of all of them, you're my biggest problem. What are you going to do?"

Shirabu's tears have been forming as he kept on going and are now threatening to spill. He was already catching his breath by the time Semi interrupted him.

"Me?" Semi asked, evidently confused.

"Yes, you. You have no idea how much I have been trying to be with you. But no matter what I do I just can't."

"Kenjirou, you are with me. When were you ever not?" Semi taking a step closer as he speaks but Shirabu kept on falling back.

"Of course you'd think that. I always do pretend to be with you and you never really look back so you won't even realize that you're leaving me behind."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Shirabu."

"You know what? Fuck this. I didn't want to do this today but whatever. Do you really want to know what my problem is with you? Then let me explain, Semi-san."

He heaved a sigh, gathering every ounce of courage within him.

"I love you. That's what my fucking problem is."

"I don't understand. How is that a problem? I love you too, so how?" Semi retorted practically shouting.

"Because you don't. You just think that you do but you don't." Shirabu trailed off, choking back a sob.

"You don't love me, Eita. You fell in love with the thought of me being as free you, not by the thought of us together. You fell in love with the way I voice out my inner thoughts not by who I am. You fell in love with the 'Shirabu who does not give a damn on what everyone would think of him Kenjiro' not with 'Shirabu Kenjirou'."

Semi stood frozen, unable to process what Shirabu has said. Nonetheless, Shirabu continued.

"You left me wondering, what if one day I lost my ability to speak? Will you still 'love' me the same? What if one day I run out of things to say and I have gotten tired... I'm exhausted Eita." Tears have started to roll out his cheeks as he speaks.

Shirabu is now uncontrollably sobbing, yet he didn't care. He's going to let it all out. Let it end the way it ends.

"But you know what's unfair? Despite all that I'm falling deeper into you. And as I fall deeper the more I realized that I cannot let you have the freedom you longed for while at the same time be with me. Because you're a free bird, Eita. You are meant to soar high and explore. And a free bird like you is not suited for a caged one like me."

"I badly want to let you have the freedom you deserve. Give you all the breadth to still feel free. Trust me, I'm trying so hard to give you that but I can't, can I?"

"I'm not like you. And after all, I'm not the one you want to be with you. That was only a part of me pretending to be the one you wanted. I'm not capable of being as free as you because I care for those things unlike you. I care for my grades because I need them for my future. I care for what other people say because I just do and no matter how hard I try I still ended up caring. The fierce, I do what I want Shirabu Kenjirou is but a mere facade."

There was silence after that. Neither of the two made a move. As it would be if a storm has ended, except the real one is actually just about to begin. Short-lasting, yet, it would be the end of their so-called "something".

After who knows how long minutes Shirabu spoke once again.

"You know what. Let me do you a favor, Eita. Let me set you free, the way you have always wanted to be. I'm tired of being selfish."

Time seemed to stop for Semi. Yet, he was unable to even open his mouth. He has been staring at Shirabu the entire time the younger was talking. He wanted to say something, anything that would calm the younger down. But no words left his mouth and his throat only felt drier. Where has his freedom of words gone? Where is it when he needed it the most? Was it because what Shirabu said was true? Did he really not love him? Did he really not care enough for him not to know any of Shirabu's feelings? 

Before he can even answer the questions in his mind Shirabu continued to talk. This time he has stopped crying. He was calm, smiling even. 

The scenario in front of him scared Semi. He felt as though, his favorite band was bound and about to end, and was singing their last song in front of him. Because it is.

"I want you, Eita. I badly want you and I love you just as bad. But I'm not the one you are looking for, nor will I ever be the one. I'm sorry, Semi-san. I'm giving you your freedom now. From me, who yearns the freedom that I found in you. To you, who found the liberty in me."

And now is as good a time as any to say that Shirabu Kenjirou is beautiful. In the dark, as he walked past Semi, he smelled of sunshine and freshly picked cinnamon gardenia. And on that thin-mooned night, he could see a little more of his silhouette, with seeming feathers falling swiftly in his every step, the soft color of chestnut as his eyes, with the touch of the silver sterling on its ends.

For the very first time, Semi Eita wondered, "What does it mean to be free?"

**Author's Note:**

> I actually almost cried while writing this. I may only be overreacting though, might just be my overly emotional 1 am self lol. I am very sorry for this.


End file.
